How much influence should parents have over who their children marry? Few commandments are more important in the Torah than that of honoring our parents. Yet, when it comes to who we marry, parents have a lot less influence than you might think. Chief Rabbi of England Jonathan Sacks elaborates on this idea, in the context of this week's Torah portion.
The question that arises from these episodes - especially that of Isaac - is to what extent they are normative. Do they constitute a precedent? Does a parent have a right, in Judaism, to determine who their children will marry? May a child choose a marriage partner against the wishes of a parent? In the case of conflict, whose view do we follow?
The issue arose in the Middle Ages. We must remember that we are talking about an era in which parental authority, as well as respect for age and tradition, were far stronger than they are now. Normally it was expected that a child would act in accordance with the will of his or her parents.
Indeed, as late as 1680, Sir Robert Filmer (in his Patriarcha) argued for the divine right of kings on the basis of the absolute authority - even the power of life and death - of parents over children, and did so on the basis of biblical texts.
Strikingly, though, the halakhists did not follow this line. Writing in the thirteenth century, Rabbi Shlomo ibn Adret (Rashba) argued that getting married is a positive command, and parental wishes may not override the fulfilment of a command by a child, since the wishes of G-d take precedence over those of human beings. In addition, the Talmud states that "Forty days before a child is formed, a heavenly voice declares: the daughter of X to the son of Y." Marriages are made in heaven, and presumably the child is in a better position than his parents to recognise his soul-mate.
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