Can We Argue Without Fighting? A Response

I just received this e-mail from a "mediator-facilitator-conflict coach" named Susan North in response to my piece in the Jewish Journal this week. She makes two key points: the need to accept the inevitability, normality and OK-ness of conflict, and that avoiding conflict usually results in a prolonged period of mounting stress ending in a blow up.

"As a mediator, facilitator and conflict coach, I read with great interest your piece on arguing without fighting. Recently I was introduced to a very powerful concept around this issue when I read "Building Conflict Competent Teams" by Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan. To begin with, I loved the idea of "conflict competence" because it accepts the inevitability, normality and basic OK-ness of conflict. Further, the authors stress that conflict which is carefully managed (when everyone involved is honest and timely but also self-controlled) produces more robust, successful outcomes than conflict that is avoided -which usually results in a prolonged period of mounting stress ending in a blowup. Although the authors focus their work on workplace (largely corporate) settings, I think their ideas are applicable in non-profits, religious congregations, civic groups, arts organizations and families as well.
Runde and Flanagan make an all-important distinction which I've never encountered elsewhere: relationship conflict versus task conflict. In a family setting this might play out as the difference between "You are so lazy! You never put your dirty socks in the hamper" on one hand and "It really bothers me when you don't put your socks in the hamper. What can we do about this?" on the other.
Even differences of opinion, such as the "Obama conversation" which you cite, can stay civil if there are ground rules such as:
"We understand that this is a chance to air our views and be heard respectfully"
"We understand that we may not actually change one another's minds; we can agree to disagree"
"We agree to have this conversation without demeaning or insulting one another"
As host, you have the right to put on your moderator hat when you see things heating up unpleasantly. Your house, your rules! If everyone agrees to the ground rules, then if and when those are violated, you can resort to "So how 'bout them Lakers?" I hope you find these ideas interesting and helpful!"